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Strawberry Fair
Jun. 3rd, 2008 01:41 pmWho's going from my f-list?
Want to meet up?
Want to meet up?
Jun. 3rd, 2008
Thought Experiment
Jun. 3rd, 2008 04:17 pmI don't do LJ memes. This is a matter of policy which I decided when I started my LJ, because it was going to be all serious and document my transition and stuff, and even though it's evolved into something much more general by now, I still don't do memes. Call it an individual quirk, or something.
However, I did just see something meme-like on my friends page which stirred me into thinking about something I often think about when I have insomnia (alongside, "did I really, really, really lock the door?", "Did I pay my credit card bill?", "Who is the final Cylon?", "No really, I bet the door's unlocked and we're going to get burgled, and maybe I should walk down two flights of stairs in the dark just to check", and so on). The post in question was about ten things you would tell your teenage self.
Right.
Whenever this question comes up, I'm almost surprised that I manage to get as far as number 2 (The Dot Com crash occurs in April 2000. Use this information wisely), because number one is a) a biggie and b) obvious.
Only I'm not sure it's that obvious at all, because it's a bit more complex than that. In this thought experiment, telling my teenage self has repercussions which extend beyond merely altering the course of the last 15-20 years. I suspect my 14, 16 or even 18 year old self would have had major acceptance problems with that particular piece of knowledge. Of course I knew anyway, sort of - it's part of the Standard Narrative isn't it? "When I was 4, I hated my body and wanted to play with Barbie Dolls and loved pink things and all my friends were girls and I cried when mommy put me in trousers and can I have my willy cut off now please?"
The thing is, it's quite a bit more complicated than that. My teenaged self really didn't have an appreciation of what it meant, in essence, to be "male" and "female" (neither does my 34 year old self - I'm no expert on gender, I'm just someone it played a practical joke on); I never had the utter conviction of my "wrongness" which some transpeople describe (and I still don't). What I did know was the things I didn't understand. I didn't understand why I compulsively crossdressed. I didn't understand why I was deeply unpopular, constantly bullied and unable to make friends outside a very small circle. I didn't understand the ways in which my own particular emotional turmoil was different to the turmoil my teenage peers were going through. Most importantly, I didn't understand that my cross-gender feelings, to the extent that I was aware of them, were not disgusting, shameful, unnatural, sinful, wrong, evil, something I should just deal with, something I could just deal with, and so on.
Working these things out took a long time (and some of them I'm still working on). I think that working them out has been growthful and also, that I had some growing to do to enable the changes in me I needed to start working them out. Take all that growth and developing understanding away and reveal it in a big bang, and what happens?
"Oh hi, this is a letter from your future self. The reason you're constantly bullied is complex and has to do with you being socially backward for reasons which are no fault of your own. Don't worry about it, it's going to be fine, you're a late developer. The next bit you might want to sit down for, and it ties in a bit with what I just wrote. The reason you can't stop crossdressing is because you're a girl. You've heard of sex change operations? Well, you're going to have one. It's inevitable, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. Don't bother fighting it, you can't win a fight against your nature and trying will make yourself miserable. Might as well get on with it sooner rather than later, as it will limit your options for hairstyles less. Yes, I know the idea of surgery and general anaesthetic terrifies you, and that you feel deep seated religious and moral objections to this whole idea, but really it doesn't hurt much and, well, you'll get over the other thing. Also, you are homosexual."
I can just see my teenage self go looking for a rope to make a noose, and a convenient beam to toss it over upon reading that. Obviously I could write it in a much more nurturing and sensitive way (and in reality I would, but I'm playing this for the laughs), but I don't think there is any way (without serious therapy) in which my earlier self could have accepted that knowledge. Getting the emotional maturity, the self knowledge and the attitude that enabled me to be comfortable with who and what I am took another decade.
Perhaps my teenage self was better off being left to discover that for herself.
However, I did just see something meme-like on my friends page which stirred me into thinking about something I often think about when I have insomnia (alongside, "did I really, really, really lock the door?", "Did I pay my credit card bill?", "Who is the final Cylon?", "No really, I bet the door's unlocked and we're going to get burgled, and maybe I should walk down two flights of stairs in the dark just to check", and so on). The post in question was about ten things you would tell your teenage self.
Right.
Whenever this question comes up, I'm almost surprised that I manage to get as far as number 2 (The Dot Com crash occurs in April 2000. Use this information wisely), because number one is a) a biggie and b) obvious.
Only I'm not sure it's that obvious at all, because it's a bit more complex than that. In this thought experiment, telling my teenage self has repercussions which extend beyond merely altering the course of the last 15-20 years. I suspect my 14, 16 or even 18 year old self would have had major acceptance problems with that particular piece of knowledge. Of course I knew anyway, sort of - it's part of the Standard Narrative isn't it? "When I was 4, I hated my body and wanted to play with Barbie Dolls and loved pink things and all my friends were girls and I cried when mommy put me in trousers and can I have my willy cut off now please?"
The thing is, it's quite a bit more complicated than that. My teenaged self really didn't have an appreciation of what it meant, in essence, to be "male" and "female" (neither does my 34 year old self - I'm no expert on gender, I'm just someone it played a practical joke on); I never had the utter conviction of my "wrongness" which some transpeople describe (and I still don't). What I did know was the things I didn't understand. I didn't understand why I compulsively crossdressed. I didn't understand why I was deeply unpopular, constantly bullied and unable to make friends outside a very small circle. I didn't understand the ways in which my own particular emotional turmoil was different to the turmoil my teenage peers were going through. Most importantly, I didn't understand that my cross-gender feelings, to the extent that I was aware of them, were not disgusting, shameful, unnatural, sinful, wrong, evil, something I should just deal with, something I could just deal with, and so on.
Working these things out took a long time (and some of them I'm still working on). I think that working them out has been growthful and also, that I had some growing to do to enable the changes in me I needed to start working them out. Take all that growth and developing understanding away and reveal it in a big bang, and what happens?
"Oh hi, this is a letter from your future self. The reason you're constantly bullied is complex and has to do with you being socially backward for reasons which are no fault of your own. Don't worry about it, it's going to be fine, you're a late developer. The next bit you might want to sit down for, and it ties in a bit with what I just wrote. The reason you can't stop crossdressing is because you're a girl. You've heard of sex change operations? Well, you're going to have one. It's inevitable, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. Don't bother fighting it, you can't win a fight against your nature and trying will make yourself miserable. Might as well get on with it sooner rather than later, as it will limit your options for hairstyles less. Yes, I know the idea of surgery and general anaesthetic terrifies you, and that you feel deep seated religious and moral objections to this whole idea, but really it doesn't hurt much and, well, you'll get over the other thing. Also, you are homosexual."
I can just see my teenage self go looking for a rope to make a noose, and a convenient beam to toss it over upon reading that. Obviously I could write it in a much more nurturing and sensitive way (and in reality I would, but I'm playing this for the laughs), but I don't think there is any way (without serious therapy) in which my earlier self could have accepted that knowledge. Getting the emotional maturity, the self knowledge and the attitude that enabled me to be comfortable with who and what I am took another decade.
Perhaps my teenage self was better off being left to discover that for herself.