Thought Experiment

[clovehitched]

I don't do LJ memes. This is a matter of policy which I decided when I started my LJ, because it was going to be all serious and document my transition and stuff, and even though it's evolved into something much more general by now, I still don't do memes. Call it an individual quirk, or something.

However, I did just see something meme-like on my friends page which stirred me into thinking about something I often think about when I have insomnia (alongside, "did I really, really, really lock the door?", "Did I pay my credit card bill?", "Who is the final Cylon?", "No really, I bet the door's unlocked and we're going to get burgled, and maybe I should walk down two flights of stairs in the dark just to check", and so on). The post in question was about ten things you would tell your teenage self.

Right.

Whenever this question comes up, I'm almost surprised that I manage to get as far as number 2 (The Dot Com crash occurs in April 2000. Use this information wisely), because number one is a) a biggie and b) obvious.

Only I'm not sure it's that obvious at all, because it's a bit more complex than that. In this thought experiment, telling my teenage self has repercussions which extend beyond merely altering the course of the last 15-20 years. I suspect my 14, 16 or even 18 year old self would have had major acceptance problems with that particular piece of knowledge. Of course I knew anyway, sort of - it's part of the Standard Narrative isn't it? "When I was 4, I hated my body and wanted to play with Barbie Dolls and loved pink things and all my friends were girls and I cried when mommy put me in trousers and can I have my willy cut off now please?"

The thing is, it's quite a bit more complicated than that. My teenaged self really didn't have an appreciation of what it meant, in essence, to be "male" and "female" (neither does my 34 year old self - I'm no expert on gender, I'm just someone it played a practical joke on); I never had the utter conviction of my "wrongness" which some transpeople describe (and I still don't). What I did know was the things I didn't understand. I didn't understand why I compulsively crossdressed. I didn't understand why I was deeply unpopular, constantly bullied and unable to make friends outside a very small circle. I didn't understand the ways in which my own particular emotional turmoil was different to the turmoil my teenage peers were going through. Most importantly, I didn't understand that my cross-gender feelings, to the extent that I was aware of them, were not disgusting, shameful, unnatural, sinful, wrong, evil, something I should just deal with, something I could just deal with, and so on.

Working these things out took a long time (and some of them I'm still working on). I think that working them out has been growthful and also, that I had some growing to do to enable the changes in me I needed to start working them out. Take all that growth and developing understanding away and reveal it in a big bang, and what happens?

"Oh hi, this is a letter from your future self. The reason you're constantly bullied is complex and has to do with you being socially backward for reasons which are no fault of your own. Don't worry about it, it's going to be fine, you're a late developer. The next bit you might want to sit down for, and it ties in a bit with what I just wrote. The reason you can't stop crossdressing is because you're a girl. You've heard of sex change operations? Well, you're going to have one. It's inevitable, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. Don't bother fighting it, you can't win a fight against your nature and trying will make yourself miserable. Might as well get on with it sooner rather than later, as it will limit your options for hairstyles less. Yes, I know the idea of surgery and general anaesthetic terrifies you, and that you feel deep seated religious and moral objections to this whole idea, but really it doesn't hurt much and, well, you'll get over the other thing. Also, you are homosexual."

I can just see my teenage self go looking for a rope to make a noose, and a convenient beam to toss it over upon reading that. Obviously I could write it in a much more nurturing and sensitive way (and in reality I would, but I'm playing this for the laughs), but I don't think there is any way (without serious therapy) in which my earlier self could have accepted that knowledge. Getting the emotional maturity, the self knowledge and the attitude that enabled me to be comfortable with who and what I am took another decade.

Perhaps my teenage self was better off being left to discover that for herself.

Comments

[spittingkittens.livejournal.com]

I think my teenage self would have freaked out, gone withdrawn, got stoned, and then found a quite car-park or something to smash a chair in before lieing, tharn, on the tarmac.

Or maybe my teenage self wouldn't have..... Maybe I don't give him enough credit.

[hippieg2o.livejournal.com]

my teenage sell did do most of that and I think Ive relised now it was a way of trying to shut out the world

[phonemonkey.livejournal.com]

(The Dot Com crash occurs in April 2000. Use this information wisely)

I'd also tell my teenage self to go and find someone trustworthy and old enough to go into the bookies and put down some money on Billie Piper being cast as the Companion in a new series of Doctor Who.

Dunno what odds they'd have given, but I bet I'd be minted now.

[zoefruitcake.livejournal.com]

Getting the emotional maturity, the self knowledge and the attitude that enabled me to be comfortable with who and what I am took another decade.

*nods*

hugs x

[vyvyan.livejournal.com]

I think I would have wanted to tell my teenage self about being trans - it would have made sense of a lot of things, and I might have been able to start T before I stopped growing, and hence ended up a bit taller! I wasn't religious or anything at that age, and already knew I was bi and kinky by inclination, so I don't think it would have freaked me out too much.

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

I'm very impressed by people who can handle transition as a teenager or young adult and make a success of it, and more than a little envious at times.

[aki-no-kaze.livejournal.com]

I hear that.

when I first started to actually deal with this, instead of burying it, I spent a lot of nights crying because I didn't do anything sooner... but after a lot of time I realized there was NO way I could have possibly handled this when I was younger... it would have destroyed a younger me.

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's exactly it, and why I try not to have any regrets.

I believe that doesn't mean we can't feel sad about finding myself in circumstances where I wasn't able to deal with this earlier, though.

[aki-no-kaze.livejournal.com]

true, but the flipside of that coin is that we should be grateful we got to the point where we could deal with it.... far too many don't :(

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

Yes, very true. A half empty glass is also half full.

[aki-no-kaze.livejournal.com]

or you can just get a smaller glass and it is totally full :D

[asknosecrets.livejournal.com]

I would have four letters for my 14 year old self:

JFGI.

[hippieg2o.livejournal.com]

sending a letter to my teenage self would be rather interesting seeing as I was one of those how transitioned during my teenage years.

I think it would be interesting to tell myself that its all going to be all right and the you will get through this and things do get better and no your not a weirdo no matter what hoes bully's may tell no matter what the idiots say.


and I would certainly say that you are who you are and should be proud of that.

[danaelaurm.livejournal.com]

Amusingly, my 14yo self was more clueless about the how-to than horribly ashamed of the "who I am"... I actually had a music teacher once scribble me a note telling me I should consider seeing an endocrinologist at that time telling me they'd be able to "do something about my voice" or something equally vague - I didn't know what an endoc did until the end of my teens :p
Besides, the problematic stuff (shaving, ew) only really hit at 16...

[leahs-whisper.livejournal.com]

I've thought about this a lot in the past, as you know and I still can't answer it. I had the clues and the chance when younger, but at the same time, given how difficult it was with family and stuff, I don't think doing it earlier would have been good. Although there's the counter-argument of at least doing *something* which might have allowed me other chances.
There's always that nagging thought of "What if?"

[becky44.livejournal.com]

If I had, I'd have told me that my parents were far more understanding than I gave them credit for, in those days. It would have meant having the support I'd needed when I needed it - and I would have transitioned a lot younger! On the flip side, surgery is a lot better nowdays - so by transitioning when I could actually afford it all myself - I've got a full circuit board instead of a push-pull switch!

[1ngi.livejournal.com]

This is such a thoughtful post and I need to think about it a lot more, however, I would like to take gently issue with one small thing:

The reason you're constantly bullied is complex and has to do with you being socially backward for reasons which are no fault of your own.

While being awkward for whatever reason make kids a target for bullying, it is never ever their fault that they ended up being abused. I know that bullying still happens but I'm glad that it is becoming less and less acceptable to do it.

I think a lot of us who were bullied still carry the idea that they were to blame all along, and it is simply not true.

Just sayin'

*hug*

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

You're right, and perhaps I can phrase this better. Being self critical is one of the things I've been working on with Dr Demsky, and I'm making progress, but it is a bit of a learning curve at times.

*hug*

[cmcmck.livejournal.com]

As one of those who had to deal with it as my teenage self, I can't say it was any easier- all of the same crap from bigots and idiots (perhaps even more back then) and the same feeling that jumping off a cliff or putting a rope over a beam might just be easier. That being said,I'm glad I dealt with it when I did :o)

[michelle-mg.livejournal.com]

Reading this makes an awful lot of sense and rings true with me. Finding more about my parents, I am glad I didn't explore my feelings and transition when in my teens. The bullying, the antisocialness enabled me to build a wall around myself so I could handle transitioning without being influenced by the many who no longer give me the time of day because I came out of the walls and became myself.

Very thought provoking and well written as ever!

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

*hug* Thank you.

my advice to mini-me

[suzimorrison9.livejournal.com]

Hi Sarah and (her) friends
Long time lurker here moved to declare her presence. I came across this journal at a very serendipitous time for me, perhaps a year ago. I read it all from the beginning in one session and found lots to help me along my journey. Now I am a fan and check in frequently as there is always something of interest or thought provoking here. This is where I got word of Whipping Girl, which I have just got hold of and am totally engrossed in at the moment. I am sure that I am not alone in my unobserved interest in this site either. Thanks! So anyway your whatif has startled me into making myself known. It is a good un, the initial reaction is to of course think to unbundle all your current 'knowledge' onto your mini-me. But with a bit of reflection one gets more insightful and so I might, if given the chance, say the following, (which I do admit is pretty revealing of me as a person)

* Sadly, it's a fact of life, some people really are (incapable of not being) various combinations of nasty, spiteful, inconsiderate, deceitful and just plain stupid. Learn to know them and leave them behind.
* The remainder of the human race don't have the time, energy or inclination to be worried/upset by you for more than 30 seconds as they have their own life problems and considerations to keep them occupied.
* Trust your intuition and follow it to wherever it leads you- it will not fail you.
* STD's will soon have the ability to kill you- be careful.
* The reason that you are so unaccountably attracted to the "Addicted to Love" video is that you want to be one of the girls, not be with one of them.
Thanks again, Suzi.

Re: my advice to mini-me

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the very kind words.