Sometimes I Feel so Tired

[clovehitched]

I am weary

I am weary because too many trans people have to wait 2-3 years after seeing their doctor in desperation before they receive medication which helps, and which costs pennies.

I am weary because too many of them will never even get a referral, due to trusting people who let their own prejudice fail their patients.

I am weary of Primary Care Trusts perpetually treating trans people as low priority, or in some cases flagrantly disregarding our humanity and the law.

I am weary that those who do this are almost certain to face no consequences because they know that trans people are a soft target.

I am weary because trans people must face a process that often seems to be designed like an obstacle course, aimed at preventing the deluded from transitioning, and which allows us through as a side effect.

I am weary because those who genuinely want to help are few and far between, and are themselves subject to the same frustrating constraints.

I am weary because even when we make it out the other end, everything we have can be taken away from us in an instant, when someone decides we are "really" our assigned-at-birth gender.

I am weary because all of this simply reflect a society that mostly sees us as comic relief, dangerous sexual perverts, disposable or merely pathetic.

I am weary because the very people who might be expected to help all too often use trans people as scapegoats for their own failings instead.

I am weary because it sometimes feels like our medical history and bodies are public property.

I am weary because to try and shout about the injustice of this is to invite condescension and dismissal.

I am weary because those who tell us we can't expect society to change right away would likely not accept a tenth of this if it applied to them.

I am weary because it feels like none of this will ever change sometimes.

But I know that I currently feel much of this because I have a virus thing, and well, that just makes me weary, and I know that in a few days I'll feel better, and I'll be thankful that I'm one of the lucky ones, that I managed to hold on to my life and my social status, and am in an environment that insulates me from much of the crap I might otherwise face, and that it could be much worse.

Anyway, this is absolutely not a play for sympathy. I am aware of how immensely privileged I am, but I'm still allowed to feel a bit sorry for myself occasionally, and writing this down helps me feel better, so there.

Also posted at http://auntysarah.dreamwidth.org/244499.html - you can comment here or there.

Comments

[snakey.livejournal.com]

Yeah. :(

Hope you get over the virus soon. *hugs*

[fyremane.livejournal.com]

I hear you Sarah, I worry about myself sometimes, and what i risk on a regular bassis just to be ME

[x-mass.livejournal.com]

I am weary because trans people must face a process that often seems to be designed like an obstacle course, aimed at preventing the deluded from transitioning, and which allows us through as a side effect.

the real irony is that in the past and it may well still do so, people who are transitioning for the wrong reason for example fear of being homosexual, find an easier passage than those who have suffered throughout their lives and are thus more clearly depressed. Btw i assume when you say trans you mean transexual not trans as in tranvestite or drag king or androgyne or...


I am weary because it feels like none of this will ever change sometimes.
things are stunningly better than they used to be. I remember back in the eighties when I was considered to be very young when I transitioned in my early twenties and when you couldn't even get SRS privately till you were 21. A mate of mine was one of the first to get her SRS at 18 some 15? years ago. She couldn't get blockers till she was 16, now look at our younger members now. Another mate of mine a few years ago went on t at 18 and it was nothing special. THINGS HAVE CHANGED - for pete sake being a dyke is no longer a 'leave it hanging' offence, that was back in the eighties and nineties.

I am so lucky to be living now when things are so so much better than they used to be. And your lucky too!

[cheshire-bitten.livejournal.com]

You know, I not sure many people who shouldn't transition do.

[x-mass.livejournal.com]

not in my experience

btw the following is my analysis, I recognise that a lot of people find this heretical to believe what amongst the trans community.

I've known people transition because their frightened of being homosexual. They see homosexuality as wrong and rather than dealing with their internalised homophobia it easier in their mind to transition. I've alos known someone who thought she was f2M and took hormones because of her assumptions about being a woman who fancied women. She assumed that because she was butch and fancied women that she had to be a guy. It took sometime and several drunken nights but I managed to get her into a dyke club and she recognised that she was actually pretty average by the women there. Btw, I have also helped a lot of guys get their first access to T.

I guess the issues is distinguishing between what men and society assume what women should be and what women actually are in practice. If people see themselves fitting within the former they can assume they are the latter

this used to a be a classic issue within the gay community, one of the reasons the gay community has issues with transexual women is that so many gay men have wondered if they should transition as part of their coming out process. As a result some then assume that transexual women are actually gay men who haven't worked it out yet. I been raped a couple of times by gay men who assumed that all I needed was a good fucking to recognise the truth. The fact that I'm dyke, didn't seem to matter to them.

Historically speaking the treatment of transexuals is derived from the treatment of homosexuals, because in psychiatric eyes their was no difference between the two groups. It different today, but it's where a lot of the internal theory began. I could go and on about this but I rather write the book.

[cheshire-bitten.livejournal.com]

I am sorry you suffered sexual violanve it is all to common for trans people
but I am trubbled by you comments, I feel we do the gatekeepers work for them when we devide the community into real and fake/crazy/misguided rather than trust each other,

given the hardness of transtion and the relitive growing social acceptabily of queerness I wonder how many people really do see transtion as the easy way out of queerness.

[x-mass.livejournal.com]

gate keepers are no better at telling who is misguided than anyone else

I don't think people see it as the easy way out, they see it as a hard process that applies to them. The degree to which they view gender as rigid or flexible seems to reflect their cultural history. I suspect that, the more rigid their sense of gender the more likely they are to see non-compliance as trans-sex behaviour

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

I agree entirely with chesjire_bitten, and I have to say that I don't think this thread is entirely appropriate in the context of this post.

[x-mass.livejournal.com]

ok i'll stop, it's your journal
sorry if i offended

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[cheshire-bitten.livejournal.com]

Sorry for the multi replys, I don't buy that the reason gay men have problems with trans women is because they questioned there gender I would say it is because they are transphobs, we don't give other bigots they same out, so why allow cis gays to hide there bigitory behind gender confustion

[x-mass.livejournal.com]

because a lot of gay men wonder have wondered about if they are really girls during their coming out process, If you have an issue with that fact then i suggest you do some reading or possibly listening to gay men. In younger gay men this may not be so common but in gay men in their middle age upwards this was a distinct issue

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

Hear hear.

[cheshire-bitten.livejournal.com]

Thanks hun.

[georgia-thomson.livejournal.com]

I have to say, I agree with this. I know quite a few others who shouldnt have transitioned, and I am currently franically backpedalling...

doesnt mean transition is wrong, but it is wrong for some people.

[cmcmck.livejournal.com]

Back in the day (and this is 30+ years ago) I was given some advice which I still remember as being incredibly valuable. It was simply this: 'be sure, be sure, be 150% sure and then be sure some more'.

You are very wise to consider your journey carefully.

Fwiw I don't regret a single day :o)

[cmcmck.livejournal.com]

'you couldn't even get SRS privately till you were 21'.

Yup! And that's why it was 21 for me............

[x-mass.livejournal.com]

I've been obese since i was 5 um

I could have had it at 21 but...

[1ngi.livejournal.com]

Sometimes people write like this because they are expressing their current feelings. And while things are less shit than they used to be they are still shit and that can get you down sometimes.

I feel exactly like this about the place of women in society. Things are way better than they used to be (in the west) but blimey I want to scream sometimes.

[x-mass.livejournal.com]

yup!!!!

[cheshire-bitten.livejournal.com]

Yep, I am also weary.

[cmcmck.livejournal.com]

HUGS

Get well soon sweetie :o)

Yes to all of this and imagine how weary of it one feels after thirty odd years
:o(

[1ngi.livejournal.com]

I know that not even imagining myself in your shoes will mean I know how you feel, but what I do know is that get so angry that someone I care about and people like her have this to deal with in their lives. It is a very wrong thing.


I hope you feel better soon. *many many hugs*

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Bit better today, still feeling a bit grotty.

We still need to do lunch, I believe? :-)

[blazingrowan.livejournal.com]

Bless you, sweetheart. I'm often amazed at your resilience in fighting all this overwhelming stuff (and be under no illusions that what you do is *massive*.) Thank you for being you, *throws fireballs at the virus, and the rest*

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

*hug* Thank you.

Let's do tea soon?

[blazingrowan.livejournal.com]

*cowers* contagion? I iz too busy to get a virus...

*grin* tea would be great. Monday? Also, do you plan to Pink Festival? I seem to have volunteered for a couple of stalls...

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

Virus is no more, rejoice!

Have developed a fondness for those CB1 chai lattés, and would love to partake of one on Monday. Is there a particular time that would suit?

Am going to be at the Pink Festival - very much looking forward to it.

[blazingrowan.livejournal.com]

Yay! Let's do that : ) Maybe 4ish? which would give me enough time to do some house-moving stuff before an evening of dancing...

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

Excellent! See you at 4ish!

[blazingrowan.livejournal.com]

Make it half three - I'll be running off around 5 to cook a mega-curry of doom for some friends :)

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

Sure!

[mentalfirewall.livejournal.com]

You are an awe inspiring woman and I can only begin to imagine how draining keeping going must be all the time. (Let alone when a virus strikes)
I hope you're feeling better soon and with more energy to face the world. We can all change it, a tiny bit at a time, and people like you are leading the way for the rest of us. Thank you!

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this. It brought a smile to my face and makes me feel a lot better. :-)

[pteppic.livejournal.com]

I am weary too.

But that's because I need a half day off and possibly some sleep. That and I'll be back on track.

*hugs*

[haggis.livejournal.com]

I'm cisgender and see most of this stuff second or thirdhand but yes, it is incredibly wearying.

(I'm plotting a campaign to get 'gender identity' added to my works (bog-standard, off-the-shelf) Equal Ops policy so I've been digging into trans employment legislation stuff and horrified/depressed by the statistics and case studies.)

Mmm hmmm

[auslanderin01.livejournal.com]

I've written three comments and deleted each one before posting because I couldn't work out what to say.

So here goes. I hope you feel entirely well and full of energy soon. I admire and have been encouraged by your example. I fluctuate from optimism (in response to examples like yours and to the way in which my wonderful friends acknowledge and relate to me) to a similar weariness at the struggle, at some people's clumsiness (intentional and unintentional) and at the stories of others who find it even more difficult than I am finding it.

So: peace, thanks and happiness. Mmm hmmmm.

[christinaalley.livejournal.com]

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
xxx

[thehiddenhamish.livejournal.com]

"I am weary because even when we make it out the other end, everything we have can be taken away from us in an instant, when someone decides we are "really" our assigned-at-birth gender."

This got me really down a few weeks ago, after reading the rants of a radfem (I think it was Sheila Jeffreys) who doesn't think "sex changes" should be allowed until you're 25. Being only 21, this got me into the whole "what-if" mode and was really quite triggering: I had loads of PTSD symptoms when I thought back to how miserable I was as a girl.

I know the hateful opinions of others shouldn't affect my own medical decisions, but I'm considering getting a hysterectomy because of transphobic people. At least then if my right to be myself is taken away, my body won't be able to produce oestrogen (which is poison in my transmale eyes). At least then doctors will have an endocrinological reason, rather than a purely psychological reason, to prescribe me testosterone.

It's a shame that I even have to consider the possibility of my right to medicine being stripped away just for something I can't help :(