Life's Little Pleasures

[clovehitched]

Perhaps this is a little self-indulgent/self-absorbed, but in the circumstances I think this is a positive thing, and I think I've earned it...

Anyway, when we first moved into this house, we noticed that the stairwell got a bit gloomy, receiving no direct sunlight because of its orientation and position in the house, so I had a brainwave. I installed a couple of full-length mirrors in the stairwell to bounce the light around a bit and make it a bit brighter, problem solved.

But I've since discovered another function that they have. In addition to being able to check that one looks OK on a dash to leave the house, if I'm feeling a bit down I can do something which may sound slightly weird - I get undressed and sit on the stairs, opposite one of the mirrors.

I never really liked looking at my naked body's reflection pre-transition, it was a great reminder of everything that caused me so much pain, but nearly 4 years into HRT and nearly 3 years post SRS, and with the toning that comes from having hobbies like hiking, canyoneering and sport climbing, I really like what I see now.

So I can sit in front of the mirror and look, and I really like what I see now. There's no evidence of the square shoulders I used to have, my skin is soft and generally free of hair, I have proper hips, breasts and there's no need to tuck my penis away and cross my legs, so I can pretend I have a vulva, because I do have one.

This may seem a slightly narcissistic ritual, rather like the way a fanatical bodybuilder might pose and preen, peacock-like, in the mirror, but I don't think it's like that at all; seeing myself like that, just for a few minutes, reminds me of why I made the journey I made, and that it was all ultimately worth it. It helps me feel at peace with my body, and it lifts my spirits. I've only done this two or three times since I had my surgery, but each time I do, it feels like a little treat.

Now if I started lusting after my reflection ... that's when I might need to seek professional help with this. ;-)


Originally posted at http://auntysarah.dreamwidth.org/208925.html - you can comment here or there.

Comments

[biascut.livejournal.com]

This made me smile for you.

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

:-D

[zoeimogen.livejournal.com]

Is is bad that I do the same - only in uniform, not nekkid? (Not randomly getting into uniform just to look at myself in the mirror mind, that would be Waltish, but when I have it on anyway)

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

No, not bad at all. To be encouraged because you in that uniform does ... things ... to me.

[parmonster.livejournal.com]

SECONDED!!!!

[fyremane.livejournal.com]

you being happy with your self is the key i think, here i sit at just over 4 months into my HRT, and im happier as i see the earliest sighns starting to show, i know im becomeing the right me. I see you as a guide, and would like to count you as a friend one day.

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

Thank you, and it's good to hear that the HRT is working and that you're happier :-)

Or get turned into a flower?

[capybyra.livejournal.com]

It's an invention of "Hell Fire Dependent" Religions&Theocratic societies. Calling "healthy" pride in self a sin. Some kinds of ugly can indeed be a sin. But to me? There is no greater ugly than calling rightful pride a sin. You've done things with and FOR yourself that rightfully should make you feel good. Besides.. If that "Body as Temple meme can be detached from theism..? You can say- you chose to worship the temple of your body in an image you worked damned hard for. You're in better shape than I am.. So be PROUD of all you are. and literally to THEIR hell with anyone who can't accept your being proud..

Re: Or get turned into a flower?

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

It's an invention of "Hell Fire Dependent" Religions&Theocratic societies. Calling "healthy" pride in self a sin.

Quite so. I was schooled by the Jesuits - that would be right up their street. Thankfully it didn't stick.

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

Cycling is nice :-D

[krissie-r.livejournal.com]

I second that! lol

Must. get. fit... again.... after .. not.. smoking.. (and of course, putting on a few stones - cycling will help with that too! :-) - once I get a new saddle that doesn't bruise me!

I think the hiking and canyoneering just reminds me of my love of rope, cand various knots and hitches - it's been a while! :-p

[wildeabandon.livejournal.com]

Eh, I lust after my reflection plenty. Nothing wrong with that! I mean, mine's not even the body I want to have any more, but it's still a body I'd be happy to have in bed next to me.

[cjp39.livejournal.com]

It doesn't sound narcissistic, it sounds uplifting. I'd say "congratulations" but it's not quite right. Maybe "peace be with you", if you'll excuse the traditional religious overtones.

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

Thank you. And also with you ;-)

[parmonster.livejournal.com]

"Now if I started lusting after my reflection ... that's when I might need to seek professional help with this. ;-)"

We talked about this on IRC, didn't we? And I'll say it again, if I could travel back in time and have sex with myself prior to SRS, I *so* tottally would. Hell, I'd probably do it with myself post-op too. It's just masturbation... sorta.

And yes, I get the narcissistic self-indulgence. These days I spend more time naked (whether in front of a mirror or not) during a given week than I did during my entire 20s, despite being 30lb heavier than I was then. Yay for improved body image!

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

We did talk about that on IRC, and I said I wouldn't have sex with my pre-SRS self, because it would mean having that inside me, and then you pointed out that it is inside me.

Smartass :-P

[snakey.livejournal.com]

You could aways do pre-transition you with a strap-on, anyway.

....*goes for a lie-down*

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

Actually, that would probably have been quite fun...

[techiebabe.livejournal.com]

It's great to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with your reflection, nay, to think "if only I had a twin..." with an evil grin.

I'm pleased for you and rather jealous, desparately trying to slim back to the time when I would have fancied myself rotten, if that makes sense!

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

*hug*

And yeah, it makes sense :-)

[techiebabe.livejournal.com]

Up til relatively recently I have been genuinely shocked to see myself in the mirror. I always used to fancy women who were like myself only maybe a little more buxom. Becoming fat was a mindfuck!

But, er... I'm used to me now and still fancy women like me, and thinner... and I am sure I will be thinner again and THEN things will be interesting!

Oh, except Im married so I can't touch anymore. Oh.

Well apart from that.

[sparrowpunk.livejournal.com]

I don't think there's anything wrong with lusting after your reflection, but I might just be saying that because I haven't reached the stage of cuddling a mirror in bed :P

Slightly more seriously, like biascut, this made me smile for you :)

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

*grin* Thanks!

[quentinwrites.livejournal.com]

I don't think that's self-indulgent or self-absorbed, I think it's wonderful. I'm so glad that you are so at peace with and happy with your body. :o)

[1ngi.livejournal.com]

Oh hon. That's so, gulp, lovely to hear. *hugs* *more hugs*

[agent_dani]

Like others it did make me smile for you. As much as I'm not there now it helps me to realize there exists the future when I can be there. :)

[hobbitblue.livejournal.com]

Oh that made me smile.. what a lovely healthy happy thing to discover. yay the power of mirrors :)

[tekalynn.livejournal.com]

That is absolutely marvelous.

[cmcmck.livejournal.com]

No, it's not at all self indulgent. I hated mirrors as a kid, because I constantly saw a stranger looking back but the pleading eyes- they never lied :o(

There was a full length mirror in the bathroom at the hospital on the first day I was allowed up after surgery. Getting ready for the first bath, I took off my dressing gown and hey! That's me in the mirror! An unforgettable moment and I haven't objected to mirrors since :o)

It's your body and you're at home in it. Enjoy! :o)

HUGS

[hazelstitch.livejournal.com]

That was a great thing to read :)

[uisgebeatha.livejournal.com]

As others have said, this was a lovely read. Thanks for posting!

I have to admit to checking out my new toned-from-running legs a few times recently, even if the rest of me I'm mostly meh about...

[andrajames.livejournal.com]

:) It is a wonderful thing to be able to do. Can really help on an off day! I think my brain needs reminding every now and then what my body is like and that I'm happy with it or I get a bit dysphoric due to residual self-image.

(Also in my case it's nice to remind myself how I see my body rather than how most other people with their binary assumptions see it)