Speaking of PTSD

[clovehitched]

Through my network of Sekrit Contacts(tm) I had the opportunity to watch the pilot (and probably final) episode of Pretty Handsome today. It's about a family man in early middle age who is actually a transsexual woman, on the cusp of transition, from the same stable as Nip Tuck. When I say I "watched it", I mean I watched 5 minutes of it. Let me explain.

It starts with a slightly creepy scene in which the protagonist is in a lingerie shop buying knickers "for my wife", "he" tells the assistant who asks if she can help. "She's a larger lady, I want her to feel like a woman again".

Immediately afterwards we see "him" and "his" wife in bed together. The wife is, of course, nothing like the description. She's conventionally attractive, and in this scene is eager to make love with her "husband", only he's not in the mood.

By this point, it's bringing back memories of feelings and stuff I'd rather forget. We cut to the next scene in the bathroom. "He's" getting ready for work in "his" boxer shorts (which are later drops to reveal the panties bought at the start). It's time for the morning shaving ritual. A point is made of "him" looking in the mirror at "his" stubble coated chin, at the razor, back to the mirror. The sense of distress is palpable. At this point, I'm starting to cry, and there's a sick feeling rising inside me; I'm remembering a hollow, desperate longing and a crippling pain that I haven't felt for over two years now, and the intensity of it is almost too much to bear. God, it hurts. It really, really hurts.

There's then a scene where the kids are about to go to school. They're boys, and it's clear they relate much better to their mother than their father. One of their friends is round and has a teenage crush on the mother.

Cut to the protagonist's club. Leather chairs and men in suits, discussing important upper middle class worldly manly man stuff. It's obvious from the scene that our hero(ine) feels like an imposter here - the words of "his" friends drift by, ignored and with as much comprehension as if they were spoken in Martian. Our transwoman isn't paying attention - she's imagining everyone in the room (middle aged, balding, somewhat out of shape men) in lingerie. It's not an attractive image.

At this point I couldn't go any further. Deep, vicious, tearing wounds that have spent the last two and a half years scabbing over, and then turning to dull scars, any residual pain a mere shadow of its former self, are now acting up and I'm reminded of how incredibly, indescribably raw and painful they were. My throat is swollen and I'm gulping air; tears are trickling down my cheeks. I remember everything, and I feel it. It's only a TV show, but I feel I know exactly how the character is feeling, her soul crying out in constant anguish, scrabbling for even the tiniest hint of something that will dull or lessen the pain for a while, when only one thing, so terrifying to contemplate will end the torment. It all came back to me.

It's several hours later now. There's still a slightly bitter, sick feeling inside me, and writing this entry and increased it a little bit, but it'll be gone in the morning. I can look at myself in the mirror and see my face and hair, and hips. I can feel my breasts sitting comfortably in my bra. I can reach down and press my hand against the crotch of my jeans and feel what's there, and it makes it OK - it's OK, it feels like it was just a bad, bad nightmare, and I'm awake now.

Perhaps one day I'll be able to watch it to the end, but not yet - it's only been 2 1/2 years, and I'm not ready to face and own those memories yet.

Comments

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

I don't trust program makers not to fall back onto the easy stereotypes.

Can't tell you about that - I didn't watch it long enough!

[moonspark.livejournal.com]

I know a trans guy who got triggered by the vagina monologues (he hadn't seen it before he transitioned)....

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

I still haven't seen it. Must rectify that!

[katsmeat.livejournal.com]

That was a surprise. From the first few paragraphs I jumped to the assumption you were setting up to savagely rip into the episode as yet another example of mainstream media portraying trans-people in terms of vicious grotesque stereotypes because the just don't get it. And really don't care that they don't.

Only, it seems like somebody finally does get it. And their getting-it had the effect of pulling the scab on a wound that you (possibly) though was more healed than it actually was.

Have a hug and my hope that one day you will be able to sit down and a spend a weekend watching the whole DVD box set.

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

Thanks. *hug*

At the moment, it looks like there will never be a series to make a box set of.

[phonemonkey.livejournal.com]

Shall I put the kettle on?

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that might be a good idea. *sniff*

[1ngi.livejournal.com]

*big huggages*

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

ETA: And thanks for the choice of icon - much appreciated :-)

[emperor]

*hugs*

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Don't have gin, but do have some rather nice 16 year old Bowmore that I got wifey dearest for her birthday that we're sipping before bedtime :-)

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

There's shedloads of stuff that triggers me with my particular trauma.

*hugs*

*hugs*

[sable-twilight.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Powerful...

[parmonster.livejournal.com]

If you thought the first five minutes were triggery... JFC.... The writing is impressive, but the direction is... phenomenal...

The protagonist's face tells volumes of internal conflict, but in a few key places the viewer is treated to "what if" moments, where we see exactly what our heroine is dying to say, what's going on in her troubled mind. Her internal screams. I had to pause several times... It took me four hours to get through it...

On the way into the costume party (didn't we all love halloween?) her wife comments, "You make a pretty woman." That look of anguish... *shudder*

Is it triggery for a trans viewer? Absolutely, watch with care. Is it accesible to cis viewers? I think so... It gets preachy in a couple spots, occasionally just... misses the mark (IMO), but the character is human and complex, and we're treated to story lines that don't revolve exclusively around the protagonist's gender. She's flawed, has deep seated shame, and is unraveling around the edges.

Re: Powerful...

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

It took me four hours to get through it...

Ouch! I think, if I'm to watch it all, it'll have to be with company.

*hugs*

[agent_dani]

If you won't mind hugs from a stranger, I'll offer some to. I don't know that I'd get much further through it.

phonemonkey pointed me your way; I'm at the first steps (well, officially, e.g. scheduling the first appointment with a therapist) of a road rather similar to the one you've travelled, including having a wife along for the trip. I actually found your journal a while back thanks to another friend we have in common but was still in denial.

[geekette8.livejournal.com]

Wow. *enormous hugs* to you, Darph. I know you mentioned something big going on a while back but I didn't know the details. I cannot imagine how hard embarking on this journey must be.

*enormous hugs* to you, too, Sarah.

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

There is the other part that will no doubt end up curled up on the sofa,wrapped around one of the larger pandas , rocking back and forth like a Romanian orphan.

Yeah, that.

*hugs*

[danaelaurm.livejournal.com]

*big tight hugs*
For all my expectations of feeling I was going to lambast the piece, I also found the shaving scene triggering enough, even though I feel that the presentation, with the opening scene (and the person who conceived of the series) might be a weird mix of "gets it enough for trans people to potentially be triggered by it, not enough to not slip in too many cliches for cis people to see beyond the freak image" :p

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

a weird mix of "gets it enough for trans people to potentially be triggered by it, not enough to not slip in too many cliches for cis people to see beyond the freak image"

Wouldn't want to make us look too human, I guess - gotta keep people entertained with the freak factor. I wonder, had it been picked up, whether it would have culminated in gratuitous shots of penis dissection?

[becky44.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I think this is one production that I'll pass on completely. I bought 'Normal' 5 years ago and watched it once - and will never watch it again. A friend bought me 'Transamerica' and I've still not been able to watch that...

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

Triggery things are bad, for sure.

I did see Transamerica, at the Arts Cinema. I found it relatively lighthearted and only slightly triggery in places. This being Cambridge, the audience was full of people who laughed in the places where you had to know. ;-)

[techiebabe.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Not sure what else to say. I know that triggery things can be hard (from experience of something else).

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thank you.

[fyremane.livejournal.com]

Kay this sounds like something I dont wana see. As I hate going to the mirroe every morning and shaveing my face, HATEHATEHATE!

and im just starting out myself....

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

*hug*

and im just starting out myself....

I truly hope it all goes well for you, and that it's everything you hope and dream for, and more.

[auntysarah.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thanks. I guess we each have our individual daemons.

I had no idea you felt like that in the years up to transition

I did a good job of suppressing it, I think. There's also an element of not having known any different, so I didn't realise how bad it was until it had gone away, IYSWIM?

[cmmathieson.livejournal.com]

I watched it this afternoon and found it mostly OK, except that I suspect it would be to close to the bone for most american networks to show.

Later in the show there is a transman and his partner is a transwoman who I have seen before in an episode of Gray's Anatomy.

I found it hard to watch because I kept thinking how much pain that family is going to go through fairly soon and I felt for them even though it's ficticious....

Caroline x

[sillystudent.livejournal.com]

Nothing to say but....

*hug*

[tekalynn.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. That's incredibly painful.

[julieisfree.livejournal.com]

Thank you for finding this, and for the link. I watched it last night. It was just a bit clumsy in a few spots, which is reasonable for the pilot it was. From what it appears though, it won't be making it to a series. I'm proud of the producers for giving it a go though. It's renewed my respect for Brad Pitt, for taking the chance on the story. Maybe he's not just a pretty face after all!

[mark-jones-jnr.livejournal.com]

I totally don't watch trans movies (except Ms Inbetweeny - which I survived) for that reason.

I don't know about coming to terms with it, I'd rather just forget.

[natalie-456.livejournal.com]

*hugs* xx

[cmcmck.livejournal.com]

Aww sweetie... HUGS! This stuff does vanish eventually, believe me although it doesn't make it any less horrible here and now. I just laugh at crap productions and plain bad journalism now, although I admit to being happy on the rare occasions when someone gets it right.