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Bits and pieces
Dec. 20th, 2005 05:17 pmNothing that major has happened recently, but the last week has been quite a learning experience for me, so it's probably worth an update just to record this stuff
I've done all my Christmas cards, and most of my Christmas shopping now. I always find this time of year very stressful, and this year the start of my transition and the my father-in-law being in hospital are compounding things a bit. Poor Sylvia and myself seem to have been more stressed than usual and are both seeming a bit more prone to getting upset, but I'm hoping this will settle down a bit once we get Christmas out of the way and we know a bit more about what's happening with my father-in-law and the care he needs until the mother-in-law returns from India in March.
On the transition front, there are lots of little things. A lot of people have contacted me privately, expressing their support, including quite a few people who I know beyond my circle of close friends or professionally. To those reading this, thanks everyone - it means a lot to me. You all know who you are.
Letters have started to come back from various organisations recognising my name change. That's going a bit slower than I'd like, probably due to the Christmas postal delays. I still don't have any of my new credit cards and I expect I'll have to wait quite a while for new photo ID (passport, driving licence). At the moment, I do somewhat feel like a bit of a non-person.
Emotionally, some days are better than others. I'll have experiences like today, where I went Christmas shopping in busy shops and didn't notice a single person staring at me, even close up, and that makes me feel really confident. Unfortunately, something like the shoe shopping experience from the other day happens, and it shatters my confidence and leaves me feeling like I'm a freak, and will always be a freak. I'm determined not to let that get me down and become a self-fulfilling prophecy though. I will grow in confidence, and I will get this together. This is not negotiable.
The voice is a really big thing. I've been practicing lots, but still sound either just plain male, or incredibly camp. I'm hoping to go and see my GP soon and get a referral for speech therapy, so we'll see what we can do on that front. In the meantime, I just whisper a lot.
My blood test results have come back. I phoned for them yesterday and was told by the receptionist that the nurse would phone me back. Is that bad? Is there something they can't tell me? Apparently not - the nurse calls a few minutes later, asks to speak to "Ms Sarah Brown" (I still love hearing that!), and tells me that everything is in the "normal range". Considering the travesty that passes for my diet, this is good news indeed. Apart from that stupid Y chromosome, and coming from a long line of women with smallish breasts, genetics has not been unkind.
I've been reading a lot about vaginoplasty, and the complications of antiandrogens, and it really scares me. My counsellor, Dr Demsky, tells me that I have an anxious personality type, and worrying about this sort of thing is a manifestation of that, so I'm trying to be positive. From the information that Dr Curits sent me, it seems like he's at least considering using GnRH agonists on me instead of traditional antiandrogens, and from what I've read they are significantly less harmful to the liver, blood, etc., but they're expensive and going on them involves spending several days awash with testosterone before things settle down. I don't like the sound of that (will it make me aggressive? Bad tempered? Lots of body hair growth? Hair on my head fall out? I'm being anxious again, bad Sarah, slap on wrist).
I'm also aware that being in my early 30s, no family history of heart disease, liver disease, thrombosis, having good blood test results, drinking only moderately (I know everyone says that, but I really do, mostly ;-)), not smoking and having a good BMI (180cm - tall for a woman, but not massively so, 65 kilos) places me in a very low risk category for complications. It seems that this "thinking positively" thing isn't so hard after all.
I called the gender clinic yesterday, now I have my blood test results, and arranged an appointment with Dr Curtis, when I shall hopefully be prescribed. As Christmas is in the way, it won't be until early January, but I've waited 32 years, I can wait another two weeks.
My body hair is annoying me. It's at that irritating stage where it's too short to wax, but there's constant growth. To mitigate this, I have plucked most of the hairs from my hands and lower arms (Dr Demsky tells me that compulsive tendencies go along with anxiety - in this case, it's no bad thing).
I think that's about it for now. Going to sign off, get into a nice bubble bath, turn out the lights and listen to some Beethoven (starting with the 2nd movement from the 5th piano concerto - an incredibly beautiful and relaxing piece of music).
I've done all my Christmas cards, and most of my Christmas shopping now. I always find this time of year very stressful, and this year the start of my transition and the my father-in-law being in hospital are compounding things a bit. Poor Sylvia and myself seem to have been more stressed than usual and are both seeming a bit more prone to getting upset, but I'm hoping this will settle down a bit once we get Christmas out of the way and we know a bit more about what's happening with my father-in-law and the care he needs until the mother-in-law returns from India in March.
On the transition front, there are lots of little things. A lot of people have contacted me privately, expressing their support, including quite a few people who I know beyond my circle of close friends or professionally. To those reading this, thanks everyone - it means a lot to me. You all know who you are.
Letters have started to come back from various organisations recognising my name change. That's going a bit slower than I'd like, probably due to the Christmas postal delays. I still don't have any of my new credit cards and I expect I'll have to wait quite a while for new photo ID (passport, driving licence). At the moment, I do somewhat feel like a bit of a non-person.
Emotionally, some days are better than others. I'll have experiences like today, where I went Christmas shopping in busy shops and didn't notice a single person staring at me, even close up, and that makes me feel really confident. Unfortunately, something like the shoe shopping experience from the other day happens, and it shatters my confidence and leaves me feeling like I'm a freak, and will always be a freak. I'm determined not to let that get me down and become a self-fulfilling prophecy though. I will grow in confidence, and I will get this together. This is not negotiable.
The voice is a really big thing. I've been practicing lots, but still sound either just plain male, or incredibly camp. I'm hoping to go and see my GP soon and get a referral for speech therapy, so we'll see what we can do on that front. In the meantime, I just whisper a lot.
My blood test results have come back. I phoned for them yesterday and was told by the receptionist that the nurse would phone me back. Is that bad? Is there something they can't tell me? Apparently not - the nurse calls a few minutes later, asks to speak to "Ms Sarah Brown" (I still love hearing that!), and tells me that everything is in the "normal range". Considering the travesty that passes for my diet, this is good news indeed. Apart from that stupid Y chromosome, and coming from a long line of women with smallish breasts, genetics has not been unkind.
I've been reading a lot about vaginoplasty, and the complications of antiandrogens, and it really scares me. My counsellor, Dr Demsky, tells me that I have an anxious personality type, and worrying about this sort of thing is a manifestation of that, so I'm trying to be positive. From the information that Dr Curits sent me, it seems like he's at least considering using GnRH agonists on me instead of traditional antiandrogens, and from what I've read they are significantly less harmful to the liver, blood, etc., but they're expensive and going on them involves spending several days awash with testosterone before things settle down. I don't like the sound of that (will it make me aggressive? Bad tempered? Lots of body hair growth? Hair on my head fall out? I'm being anxious again, bad Sarah, slap on wrist).
I'm also aware that being in my early 30s, no family history of heart disease, liver disease, thrombosis, having good blood test results, drinking only moderately (I know everyone says that, but I really do, mostly ;-)), not smoking and having a good BMI (180cm - tall for a woman, but not massively so, 65 kilos) places me in a very low risk category for complications. It seems that this "thinking positively" thing isn't so hard after all.
I called the gender clinic yesterday, now I have my blood test results, and arranged an appointment with Dr Curtis, when I shall hopefully be prescribed. As Christmas is in the way, it won't be until early January, but I've waited 32 years, I can wait another two weeks.
My body hair is annoying me. It's at that irritating stage where it's too short to wax, but there's constant growth. To mitigate this, I have plucked most of the hairs from my hands and lower arms (Dr Demsky tells me that compulsive tendencies go along with anxiety - in this case, it's no bad thing).
I think that's about it for now. Going to sign off, get into a nice bubble bath, turn out the lights and listen to some Beethoven (starting with the 2nd movement from the 5th piano concerto - an incredibly beautiful and relaxing piece of music).
